Small Comforts #3: Friendship

A series of blogs to help those struggling with isolation

They may not look delighted to be around each other, but these two doggies are the best of friends, honestly! I chose this photo as it was part of a set that arrived in the post for me this week from my lovely friend Chris, which made my day and reminded me yet again of the power of friendship.

We are all feeling alone and very much apart from friends right now which is why a little text or gesture means more now than ever. I am so appreciative of the fact that my friends have never given up on me, despite the fact that anxiety sometimes makes me isolate myself and hide away from the world. Depression can cause your world to shrink until there’s nothing left but horrible feelings; but friends remind you that there is a different version of you still in there somewhere.

It has been particularly hard to communicate with friends over the last few months as I am consumed by shame. It just feels so wrong to be this low when the whole world is suffering so much. Thankfully my friends don’t judge me as harshly as I do myself, and I’m grateful that they continue to reach out to me. It helps so much knowing people believe in you when you don’t believe in yourself.

Friends are a lifeline to the world when you’re otherwise isolated, mentally or physically. It is such a comfort to know friends are there, so continue to reach out, even if you feel like you have nothing to say. Just listening to someone else can be a way of connecting and helping to ease your own negative thoughts.

This may be a short blog, but it’s also a big thank you from the bottom of my heart to all my wonderful friends who love me unconditionally.

Small Comforts #2: Back to Basics

A series of blogs to help those struggling with isolation

Uncertainty and powerlessness over our own lives have become our new normal, and that’s very difficult for everyone, let alone somebody who is naturally prone to depression or anxiety. Feeling powerless can be a massive trigger for distress and hopelessness.

One of the hard parts of this current situation is not knowing how long it is going to last. It reminds me of being in the middle of a bad bout of depression when you can’t see a way out, and it feels like life is always going to be always to be this bad. It’s hard to cling on to positivity when everything around is negative.

Among the most useful pieces of advice I’ve gotten over the years is that when times are bad, you should concentrate on the (very) basics. This is the way to get through the worst days, and hopefully a better day will follow. Comfort can come from having a day where you follow all the basics and you feel less useless at the end of the day than you did at the start. Don’t underestimate the power of that.

The basics might go something like this:

  1. Eat three proper meals – nourishing yourself is a good way of self-soothing.
  2. Get a good amount of sleep – don’t worry too much if you find yourself sleeping more than normal. A nice nap can do wonders to reset a bad day.
  3. Try to get outside for some (social distanced) exercise if you can. Feeling physically strong helps a lot if you are struggling mentally. I’ve always found that being outside, in nature, is a great way of grounding myself when my head has started to go a bit mad.
  4. Get washed and dressed – Even washing your face and putting on clean pyjamas can lift your mood slightly. A nice double-cleanse at the end of the day is also a good way to be kind to yourself.
  5. Do one basic task everyday which will give you a sense of accomplishment. This is something you can think about when you go to bed at night to mark out today as a good day. It doesn’t matter what the task is: it could be cleaning; a piece of work; anything that occupies your mind and gives you back some self-worth. My task for today has been writing this.
  6. Don’t compare your life to others.  Try not to spend too much time on social media, if anything it can make you feel more isolated if you feel like everyone on your feed is having virtual house parties.
  7. Don’t obsess about the future – Now is not the time to question the bigger problems in your world. Your life might be very far from where you would like it to be at the moment but that’s ok. You might feel like you are going to be trapped where you are now forever; I know I do sometimes. Thoughts like this make me feel overwhelmed and so panicky so I literally have to haul myself out of it by distracting myself with something simple.

I realise that “focusing on the basics” might seem a bit, well, basic – I’m sure if you are at home right now looking after small children AND trying to work then you may roll your eyes at this advice! But I’m thinking more of someone who is alone, feeling anxiety for the first time and struggling with the impacts of enforced isolation. In those circumstances, the basics can often get neglected. Feeling a lack of purpose is terrible for your mental health and simple things like this may seem silly but achieving the basics when you feel overwhelmed is something to be proud of.

One last thing: I feel incredibly guilty all the time at the moment for suffering from depression, and for those feelings still being in my head during these strange times. If you feel that way too then please don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re not weak, you’re not a failure. You have an illness and that illness isn’t going to magically disappear just because a pandemic comes along. So: be compassionate to yourself as well as others. You are not alone in feeling scared, anxious or upset right now.


Small Comforts

A series of blogs to help those struggling with isolation

As someone who has suffered from mental illness for quite a while, some of the advice I have been given or offered to others just seems completely pointless at the moment. Trying to get out of your own head and concentrate on the outside world is hard when that world is going through unprecedented events. We are all trying our best to navigate a way through, without any map to guide us.

Depression tends to make you ruminate on past mistakes and very fearful of the future. Indeed, a future often seems impossible to imagine in the midst of a depressive episode. Alongside that, anxiety can cause an incessant, repetitive worry about what’s behind and in front of us. Therefore, we are told to try to learn the skills of being in the present: “live in the moment”!

Well, living in the moment right now is frankly bloody difficult for all of us. Of course, I worry about the impact of enforced isolation on those of us who suffer with mental illness, but I’m equally worried about people I love who have never known what’s it’s like to suffer from anxiety. I fear for the impact that the lack of social engagement will have on them.

I’m not sure I have much to offer in terms of help but hey, I’ve dealt with the challenges of isolation before so I am therefore going to use this period of self-isolation to write about the little things that have brought me comfort in my darkest days, in the hope that it may help someone who is struggling in the current climate. These small comforts are the little distractions that keep the dread of life at bay for a little while. The one absolute truth I have learned is that all you can do in the darkness is get through one day at a time – sometimes even just one hour at a time – and keep hoping that each new day is a step closer to normality.

SmallComforts #1 (cookery shows)

Whether you are in isolation and all alone, or stuck indoors with your family, I reckon a half hour of escapism to soothe your frazzled brain will be welcome. So here is my first suggestion: cookery shows!

The news can be extremely agitating right now – especially if you’re prone to feelings of hopelessness or anxiety anyway. That means that the best distractions are often light-hearted – it is difficult to concentrate on anything too serious. I have always found cookery shows to be extremely soothing in times of crisis, so here are a few of my favourites:

Barefoot Contessa, Food Network

This features Ina Garten and her adorable husband Jeffrey as they go about their merry life living in the Hamptons. Ina uses at least twelve sticks of butter in all her recipes, and Jeffrey arrives home every Friday night from the city with flowers for Ina, who will have his favourite chicken dinner ready. They are “couple goals” for sure, which helps to soothe a bruised heart as well as an aching head.

Pioneer Woman, Food Network

This is my top tip for escapism. The Pioneer Woman is Ree Drummond who lives (wait for it!) on a huge cattle ranch in Oklahoma. She shares recipes that she uses to feed her wholesome family, as well as all the cowboys on the ranch. The Drummonds seem to own most of Oklahoma as far as I can make out, and are probably Republicans, but leave all that to one side and enjoy the wholesomeness of the whole thing.

Ree makes cookies and drops parcels off for her pastor, her sons say things like ‘yes ma’am’, and Ladd (the husband) is easy enough on the eye. Oh, and Chuck (the grandad) also seems like great craic. As for the food, these people consume insane amounts of meat, including steaks for breakfast. Ree cooks up brilliant American stuff like grits, Frito pie, snacks to accompany big football games, and tex-mex which the cowboys seem to have a grá for.

Once she’s done cooking, she loads everything into her pick-up truck and drives it out to the lads who are working cattle or something (they always look remarkably clean, so I’m, suspicious about this premise). Ree then hands out the food and everyone is happy. My only complaint is that I have NEVER seen anyone drink a cup of tea on this programme (more about the comforting power of tea to come in a future blog!). More specifically, Ree brings dessert to the cowboys with a lack of hot beverages of any description. You cannot be having dessert without tea or coffee to accompany it, as any Irish person will tell you.

Other notable mentions include: any Nigel Slater show: he is pleasingly scatty, and his Simple Cooking series is airing again on BBC1 in April. A dear friend also introduced me to the delights of old Keith Floyd. His Floyd on France shows are charming with sumptuous scenery – and available on the BBC iPlayer.

More generally, I find most cookery shows offer an easy way to comfort yourself and take the edge off anxiety. The gentle distraction can help, even if it’s just a little. This is the key to managing anxiety, distress or feelings of hopelessness. I suppose it’s the equivalent of soothing an upset child with a simple diversion. We all need comfort.

More Small Comforts blogs are on the way…

A long way back

I used to be like that, it’s not a long way back. You should have seen how they found me…

When I first moved back to London last April, I wrote out these lines from a Walking On Cars song and stuck them beside my bed. They filled me with hope and reminded me how far I’d come.
I’m not writing this blog in London. I’m back at home in Ireland living with my parents and suffering through the type of depression I thought I’d never have to see again. Hope has been pushed into the winter rain by despair. And despair has a nasty habit of filling up your head and leaking out your eyes. I’ve cried more these last few months than I knew I could.
I came home in October intending to stay ten days but I’m still here four months later. I started to feel physically ill last July: I was fainting and in constant pain. The condition was eventually diagnosed as endometriosis and I ended up so weak that I had to give up my new job which I had just started. No job equals no money so I also had to give up my flat. I thought I could move between friends and look for a less stressful job whilst I got my strength back.

But that didn’t happen – it was the worst timing in the world for my body to give up on me. I’d just gotten back together with someone and I thought we would finally have a proper shot at a fun relationship. One month in I started fainting, and the pressure and stress was just too much, too soon.

I ended up losing my boyfriend a few days after I got home to Ireland. So there I was with a broken body and a broken heart. Then my mind felt left out and decided it wanted to crack too. I blamed myself for everything, and I’ve been filled with shame since. That’s what really stings: the shame that I’ve ended up back in this position again and so utterly powerless. So I’ve been isolating myself from friends and family and finding it difficult to engage with the support that’s being offered to me. I haven’t been looking after myself.

My addled brain became convinced that was it, game over, you see. That this was my only shot at happiness, at making a life in London work. How will I ever get a job again? What if I have no friends left when I go back? I think of the future and I feel overwhelmed by panic.

But something has clicked in my brain these past few days. I can’t fight a war on so many fronts, so I’ve put my broken heart into a box for now, and I’m putting my faith in the universe and serendipity that maybe it will heal. I can’t control somebody else’s feelings. This is one situation where I’m powerless and I have to accept that. I can only concentrate on me.

What I can do though is take back the power over my mind and body and try to make them strong once more. Writing is something that makes me feel good about myself so this blog is a first step out of misery. London, happiness and health all feel a long way away, but I hope I can find my way back.

Being seen

I am going through a very happy period of my life at the moment. I have moved back to London and started a new job which I love. I’ve started dating someone lovely, I see my friends a lot and I am (whisper it…) enjoying my life! I still have anxious moments obviously and there have been a few teary meltdowns, but I am prioritising being as physically healthy as I can be in order to protect my mental health.

I have been struck by the novelty of feeling this happy and free. I caught myself stopping to smile at a cute cat on the walk to my morning commute yesterday and wondered what the hell was going on! A cute dog I always notice, but a cat?! I thought about it all day yesterday and came up with the conclusion that I feel this good because I finally feel like I have taken back the power over my own life.

I feel well enough now to dictate my own choices instead of having to make choices based on the needs of my illness. Last year I had to move home as I needed the support of my family.  I was also given incredible support by the wonderful people at Pieta House (an Irish charity which offers therapy to those in suicidal distress), I had six months of therapy at Pieta House and it completely changed my mindset. I let go of hurt and pain that I had been carrying around for years and I finally stopped blaming myself for being raped.  I am now well enough to be independent again and there is a huge sense of empowerment that comes with that. I don’t feel invisible anymore.

I feel part of the world again precisely because I am well enough to be out in the world and connecting with people around me. I mentioned something to my friend Rosie recently which perfectly illustrates how far I have come in the past few years; I told her that I have been amazed at feeling comfortable enough to sit in the staff room on my breaks and chat to my new colleagues. Rosie and I used to work together a few years ago and when I started that job I was so anxious that I would have to go and sit in the bathroom on my tea break. I simply could not sit in the staff room and chat to others, the mere thought of it stressed me out. I am self-aware enough now to know that I will have bad days at my new job and I’m sure there will be days where I won’t feel like sitting in the staff room but that will be a choice, and not a daily necessity. The power that comes with these little choices shouldn’t be underestimated. 

The feeling of being seen has also had a huge impact on my mental health. I felt invisible for so many years when I was at my lowest because I had to withdraw from the world as I couldn’t deal with it. Other people had to look after me and made decisions for me and I hated it. I’m incredibly stubborn and I hate being told what to do! Being independent and making my own choices is all I have wanted for a very long time and I am determined to enjoy it and never take it for granted. There is a whole world waiting out there for me and it feels incredible to be well enough to enjoy it.

And finally a little word about cats and the weirdness of stopping to admire them on the street! I am putting this down to staying with my friend Mary when I first moved back to London and falling in love with her lovely little cat. I feel guilty though so please nobody tell Dougal…


First aid kit

My life imploded last year, despite my best efforts to hold it together.

I had a job I loved, but I was barely able to function and couldn’t go to work. I had a man I loved and who loved me and a relationship which could have been wonderful, but I was so ill that I kept fighting it and him. I simply could not allow anyone to love me because I hated myself so much. This self-loathing manifested itself as anger and made us both miserable. I had wonderful friends who offered me support but I was too low to get out of my room and too anxious to be around people. My life wasn’t working because my head wasn’t working.

I had to leave London and go back to Ireland to get well. I did this through a mixture of psychiatric support, medication and counselling. I worked through a lot of hurt I’d been carrying with me for many years and finally let it go. For me, being well means being able to function again. I’m always going to be prone to anxiety but now I’m managing it and it doesn’t control me or stop me living my life.

My biggest fear now that I am well and back in London is that I will get hit by another bout of depression and be sucked back down into that horrible spiral of mental distress. I tend to panic on a bad day and think I’m on the way to another breakdown. Life is inevitably stressful and there is no way of avoiding that.

However, it has occurred to me that there are things I can do to protect myself in preparation for these little blips, so that the feeling passes (which it invariably does). The key is to bandage up my fragile mind so that stress doesn’t damage it.

I thought about something that happened a few weeks ago. There was a weekend when I was physically really ill and had to stay in bed with a really high temperature. At one point on the Saturday, I cried my eyes out because all I wanted was some 7up (the cure to all illnesses as any Irish mammy will tell you) and there was nobody here to get me some. This was my lowest point since I’ve returned to London: I felt utterly alone. However, I genuinely think I wouldn’t have felt so bad if I’d had some “mammy medicine” on hand. So, once I’d recovered, I stocked up on emergency supplies of 7up for the next time I’m sick.

So, stocking up my mental health first aid kit is something I have been working on. Some things are tangible, like the 7up, but other remedies are about how I think and plan my life. Here are some of the most important things I’m working on:

1. Physical strength – being as strong as I can physically is the best thing I have learned to do for my mental health. Being physically ill is terrible for my mental health – too much time to think and ruminate is not good for me. So I’m trying to eat well (plenty of green smoothies), take a lot of vitamins and up the amount of exercise I do.

2. Rest – being tired is a huge trigger for me. Bad days are always a hundred times more tricky if I haven’t slept. I get tired easily and I used to beat myself up about this. However, now I’ve come to accept the fact that sometimes I need a nap to get through a bad day! It’s nothing to be ashamed of and sometimes rest and sleep is the only cure for a low mood or a massive bout of anxiety. Not feeling guilty about this is the key here.

3. Widening my world – depression can shrink your social circle. I spent months alone in my bedroom at my lowest point as I just could not be around people. My world was just me and the thoughts in my head. However, isolation is really not a good cure for a bad day! The first step in my recovery was opening up and letting people back in. Having as many people in my life as I can is hugely important to me; I am well enough now to stand on my two feet but having a support system that I know is there for back up is a huge comfort.

4. Changing my mindset – I’ll let you in a little secret: I’ve never known how to be happy. I didn’t think I deserved happiness so it terrified me – I didn’t know how to relax and allow myself not to worry. Moreover, I assumed I was broken and I would never learn how to be happy. The key word here is learn: I’m slowly figuring out to change this mindset and allow joy into my life. Finding happiness in little things is a wonderful cure for a bad day. The simple act of making myself a cup of tea and reading a good book is a great solution to anxious moments.

5. Self-acceptance – this is the most challenging remedy I have been working on and also the most important. Learning to be compassionate to myself is the kindest thing I can do on a bad day. I have had to put in a lot of hard work to let go of all the self- loathing I have held inside for many years, and accept myself the way I am. This is very difficult for me and I have to work at it every day, but self-acceptance is a big tool to fight depression with. Feeling comfortable with myself is the mental equivalent of wrapping my mind up in bubble wrap to protect it from negative thoughts.

So that’s how I’m handling my mental first aid kit. Mind you, anyone who knows me will have noticed that I am also extremely accident-prone and clumsy… so maybe I should also make a big bubble-wrap coat to protect the rest of me!

Four practical tips for managing anxiety

I have struggled with both depression and anxiety in my life, and of the two, I would say that anxiety has actually had more of an impact on my daily life. I think of depression as a huge tide that comes crashing over me periodically, like when you’re surfing, and you’re “washing-machined” by an unexpected wave. It picks you up, spins you around and throws you down disoriented on the sand. Anxiety, on the other hand, is like a lot of little waves that just keep coming. The surf never stops, and anxiety doesn’t either. That said, small waves can be managed; if you are standing tall they can’t knock you down. So, here are some ways I manage my anxiety by rising above the waves.

1. The one hour rule. My anxiety is always at its worst first thing in the morning. I wake up consumed by worry, and that makes the day seem impossible. To manage this, I use a trick where I make myself get up and tell myself its only for one hour: sixty minutes to have breakfast and take my medication. After that, I can go back to bed if I have to. This breaks the worry down into a manageable chunk and then I can cope with getting out of bed. Then, breakfast raises my blood sugar levels which improves my mood, and I rarely need to play the going-back-to-bed card.

I use the one hour rule for other things I find overwhelming – for example, I tell myself I only have to go out for an hour and then I can go home if I have to. It’s often the anticipation of something that makes me anxious, and I usually feel better once I’m out of the house and with people. The one hour rule just helps me get over that initial stumbling block. It can also be adjusted to a shorter period of time on a really bad day.

2. Turning my phone off at night. I struggle with sleep, and tend to lie awake ruminating about past mistakes and worrying about what the future holds. Here’s a shocker: it turns out that endlessly scrolling through Instagram and Twitter late at night is in no way helpful for avoiding these thoughts!

Blue light from your phone can suppress production of melatonin (the hormone we need to sleep), and the internet is no place for an anxious brain that is struggling to switch off. This is something I really find difficult, and I have a terrible habit of reaching out for my phone at night if I can’t sleep – even though being online in the middle of the night when you feel at your most vulnerable is a terrible idea. Nothing good is going to come from messaging someone at half one in the morning, trust me! So I have bought an old-fashioned alarm clock to help me beat my phone habit, and I’m going to start leaving my phone downstairs at night time. It’s for my own good. Step. Away. From. The. Phone.

3. Stop comparing myself to others. My inner voice can be cruel and I inevitably come up short when I compare myself to other people. I like the Theodore Roosevelt quote which describes comparison as “the thief of joy”. I couldn’t agree more. Anxiety for me is essentially an endless cycle of negative thoughts fizzing away at the back of my brain. I berate myself for not being good enough for anybody or anything. This can even involve being cross with myself for being anxious in the first place! I see my friends coping brilliantly with full lives, careers and children, and I wonder why I can barely leave the house. This leaves me feeling pathetic and like a failure. It’s a vicious circle and there is no way I can win the battle in my head.

The way I try to manage this is to step outside of myself and turn my focus onto these other people. I try to practise kindness every day. Little things make me feel better, like baking a cake for a friend or making dinner for my family; so it becomes a way of being kind to myself too. I’m never going to measure up to other people in my own head, so I’m better off getting out of that negative headspace by turning my focus outwards.

4. Exercise! I’m really not good at this, despite appearances from the photo accompanying this blog! That bemused face marks the one and only time I’ve completed a 5k run, so I’m not going to miss the opportunity to remind myself it can be done. I rarely feel like I have enough energy to make myself get out there, but I know it’s great for my anxiety when I do. I’ve recently been angrily reminded of this by my body – my neck literally seized up a few weeks ago from all the anxiety that has been stored up there, and I have been going for very painful sessions of acupuncture to try and relax my muscles. The acupuncturist thinks that I store tension and anxiety in my spine, and I need to get moving to try and prevent this tension from building up.

And so I have unrolled my sadly-neglected yoga mat and started stretching every day. I’m also getting out of the house for a short walk on a daily basis. Walking is the most beneficial for me as I can feel the tension seeping out of my body while I pound the footpath. I’m going to try to work back up to my glory days of running, as I also found this brilliant for getting out of my head. Loud music in my ears while watching my feet move is a brilliant form of escapism. I need those exercise endorphins…

Mind you, I did once run into a tree while training for that one famous 5k, as I was so busy watching my feet. So, yeah, don’t do that. Managing your anxiety can help you to rise above the waves, but it can’t stop a tree from bruising your forehead!

Four things that have helped me to manage my depression

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago, and she remarked that “I had some of my old spark back”. I had spent the last half an hour with her crying about how ‘stuck’ I feel and how little progress I have made, so I was somewhat surprised to hear this, and queried it. She went on to explain that the deep depression I have been in this year seems to have lifted. And… she’s right, you know.

I’m still highly anxious, and I’ve lost my confidence, but I’m not down a dark hole anymore. So, to celebrate I thought I would make a little list of some of the things that have helped me over the past year. That way I have something to look at the next time I have a bad day – and I hope it can also help anyone else out there who is struggling today. I’ve also used a selfie of me doing a silly face with this blog. My type of anxiety involves body dysmorphia, and until recently I wouldn’t have felt able to put a picture of me out there looking a bit ridiculous. But today it feels fine. So… you’re welcome.

Things that have helped me

* Reading – this is a huge one for me. I am an avid reader and have been since I was a little girl, when I used to get up early so I could read before school! One of the first symptoms of depression I experience is a loss of concentration, so I use reading to help me escape my negative thoughts. To counteract the difficulty in concentrating, I stick to easy reading. Any sort of glossy magazine will do, but I especially like Hello for the photos and the sheer escapism of reading about minor European royalty. Any sort of “interiors” magazine is good for this too – planning my fantasy house is a good way to escape the darker recesses of my brain. But my top tip is to reread books. It’s much easier to concentrate if you have read a book before. I have been through much of my local library at this stage, and rereading fiction has gotten me through long nights of insomnia.

* Reaching out – the natural instinct of a depressive is to isolate oneself and hide away. The world is a terrifying place when you are depressed, and interaction with others just seems too hard. I come to hate my phone when I’m depressed and it’s a trial to answer calls or texts. Of course, this is in fact the worst thing to do, as it leaves you all alone and at the mercy of your thoughts. So, reaching out to others is a way out of the prison that depression has placed you in. Texting a friend is a simple way of reminding yourself that you are loved and that you do matter. Texts are often all I can manage, and that’s ok – contact with the outside world is the important thing here. Lately, I have been making plans to see friends, but crucially not making too many plans, to avoid feeling overwhelmed. I would also recommend only seeing people who make you feel good, and who won’t make you feel guilty for your absence. Being ill is nothing to be ashamed of.

* Counselling – I have been going to counselling every week since April and it has helped me hugely. I never want to go, and somedays I would rather do anything than talk about my feelings, but I make myself go every week and it really does help. Talking about what has been going on in my head is difficult, and I know that therapy isn’t for everyone, but it has been a lifeline for me. Speaking to someone impartial enables me to process my feelings and to work through them. I always leave my counselling sessions feeling better.

* Medication – this is another lifeline for me. Anti-depressants have adjusted the chemicals in my brain and brought me back to a point where I can function again. My serotonin levels have risen and helped me to fight off the negativity which I was drowning in. I have also been taking sleeping tablets for the past few months and again, I wouldn’t have managed without them. I can’t sleep when I am depressed and I lie awake worrying. Lack of sleep makes daily life impossible and thus, it’s a vicious circle. Sleeping tablets are obviously not a long-term solution, but I am happy to be taking them for now. Sleeping for a few hours a night instead of no hours goes a long way in helping me to function again.

Climbing out of the hole is only the first step of course. I’m still at home with my family and not working, but my energy is coming back, and that’s crucial to give me the strength to get back into the world.

And that’s what I want – more than anything. I retreated from the world at the start of the year, but now I want to be free to start living again. I know there is happiness out there for me somewhere.

A New Relationship

“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you that you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

Carrie Bradshaw

Like most women of a certain age, I was obsessed with Sex and the City back in the day. I loved the clothes and the exciting lives they all led in New York… But most of all, I loved Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment. (Ah, how I wish it was possible to live like that writing one newspaper column per week!)

Anyway, the reason I quote Carrie now is that I am painfully aware that I have never managed to achieve a relationship with myself like this, and that has been a significant factor in my struggles with mental illness. And, to illustrate just how differently I view myself, let’s compare Carrie’s words to the following monologue that goes on in my head most days:


My Inner Voice

Imagine if someone said that to you. You’d be really upset, right? Well, those are the thoughts that swirl in my mind all day, every day. I’ve never liked myself, and have always compared myself unfavourably to other people. I always felt like the ugly duckling of my friend group. My self-loathing increased dramatically after being raped and it’s spiralled out of control since then. To be more specific, I’ve developed unhealthy coping mechanisms like self-harming.

That’s years and years of being my own worst enemy, of always being harsh on myself and never learning how to be comfortable in my own skin. I’ve tried to look for comfort in relationships, to find someone who could rescue me from myself. But of course, it doesn’t work like that. It is impossible to love somebody else if you don’t love yourself. You end up resenting the other person because you can’t understand why they love you, or even like you.

Loving yourself isn’t about ‘self-care’, bubble baths, or treating yourself to nice clothes. That’s all very nice and to be encouraged, but on a deeper level loving yourself comes down to silencing your inner critic, making healthy choices and looking after yourself. It involves being able to look in the mirror and pick out something good, rather than obsessing over tiny flaws.

The irony is that being kind is something that comes naturally to me, except when it comes to myself. I love looking after other people, yet I find it impossible to look after myself.

So I’ve decided I’m going to give a relationship with myself a go. To be honest, I don’t have a choice anymore. I’ve come to the end of the road this year when it comes to my mental health. I reached rock bottom at the start of the year, and I’ve found myself back at home, living with my family and unable to work or function.

The good news is that I’m doing everything I can to improve my mental health. I’m going to counselling, I take medication and I’m putting in all the hard work… yet I now realise none of it will make a difference if I can’t learn to follow Carrie Bradshaw’s advice and develop a relationship with myself. So I need to learn to at least like myself, at least a little. I might not ever learn to love myself as much as New York’s most improbably well-paid columnist, but I might be able to develop a kinder inner voice.

Running to stand still

I feel like I have spent the past year running. The problem is: I’ve been going round in circles.

It’s now the end of June, and I’ve been fighting my current bout of depression since last year. This time it has brought me to my knees and I’ve found myself back at home, living with my family in Cork, having had to give up my job and my life in London. (I say life, but in reality, life had shrunk to the point where I was confined to my room, barely able to function.) Coming home for some support was a last-ditch effort to find a way to get well.

Unfortunately, this has been the pattern of my life for the last number of years. I get well for a while, try to live my own life, and yet somehow it all comes crashing down and I have to come back home again. Here is the thing: I have been dealing with mental illness since my early twenties, and I always thought someday it would go away; that I would wake up one day and be happy. I thought moving to London would make it better: starting a new life, getting married, having a job I loved. And yet… none of it lasted. These things did help for a while, but the anxiety and depression were always lurking beneath the surface, waiting to pounce. That happiness never became the norm and here is the reason why: I hate myself.

Deep down, I blame myself for being raped, and I think I am disgusting. These are the sentiments that have defined most of my life and there is no running away from that. Everything I feel stems from this. I don’t think I deserve to be happy, I can’t accept myself the way I am, and I am consistently my own worst enemy. The inner voices in my head are always telling me I’m not good enough. I thought I had dealt with the rape and the trauma years ago but I’ve come to realise that isn’t the case. Getting divorced last year seems to have brought all the old feelings of shame and loathing to the surface.

Running home hasn’t made these feelings go away, but it has forced me to reflect on what’s going on in my head. I’m tired of running; tired of trying to escape myself. It’s not possible, of course. I have to learn how to like me as I am, and work out how to feel compassion for myself.

For now, that involves taking my medication and continuing with counselling. It doesn’t always feel like I’m getting that far, but at least I’m standing still and taking stock. That’s the only way I’ll create the space to change the conversation inside my own head.